Men do cry: masculinity, mental health & the gendered politics of emotional expression.
Reflections on why men report crying less frequently than women and what we can do to support the mental health of men and boys.
“The most dangerous phrase in the English language is to “be a man”. To “be a man” today is to…never ever cry” - The Mask You Live In, Netflix
Recently, three people in my life had bad days simultaneously. Perhaps mercury was in retrograde. One of these people was a man, and two were women. This allowed for an anecdotal observation of the disparities in how the women and the man expressed their respective feelings because, as it happened, the disparities were stark. It got me thinking about men and crying.
I'll keep the details vague. However, one person had ruined something minor and valuable (think: new household appliance, not old family jewels). One felt micromanaged by a controlling boss, and another felt micromanaged by a controlling toddler. One of the women texted me after we had discussed her situation back and forth on voice note. "I've cried twice this morning," she said ", "so I think I've gotten it out of my system". "I think I'm going to go for a walk, try and finish early and have a bit of a self-care evening". I responded with my best attempts at soothing words and offered some specific suggestions for self-care as well as several yellow love hearts. My second woman friend texted shortly after. "I've cried four times today, which is only half as many times as my toddler, lol! I'm feeling a bit better, having talked about it. Think I'm going to sleep well tonight".
Then there was the man. His frustration seemed prolonged, and his anger with himself for ruining the thing did not dissipate easily. He did not so much actively reach out for emotional support as accidentally tell me about the incident. When I offered words of kindness, he batted them away with self-criticisms. "No, it was my fault; I was careless". When I encouraged him to self-care, he acted affronted, "no, I need to fix it". Then, a thought occurred to me. "Have you let yourself have a cry about it?" He was baffled, at least initially. Later, he told me that perhaps he had needed the release of crying, but even if he had willed himself to, he was sure that tears would not have come.
I felt sad on the man's behalf. Not sad enough to cry for him, but sad enough to ask more men about men and tears. The following day, I attended a wedding, which provided a perfect opportunity for an impromptu focus group, especially as the men were slightly (very) disinhibited by beer. "Sometimes, when my wife is away, I put on a Disney movie to try and coax the tears out," said one. "Where do the tears go when you push them down?" I asked. "They go back down into your chest as a sort of achy feeling," said another. I asked if he wanted a hug.
I was feeling very sorry for all the Kens.
Isn't crying an emotional release? Isn't it necessary for emotional health? A part of the human condition? Why are men crying less? What are all these suppressed tears doing to the bodies of men and boys? As I am currently reading Freakonomics, I know better than to assume that crying is a helpful route to emotional expression for all people of all genders in all cultures based on my sample of n=1. So, I turned to the data.
Turning to the data on men and tears.
Unfortunately, the data brought me back to one of the least exciting questions in psychology: is it nature or nurture? Statistics show that men report crying less than women. We don't know why, and we assume it may be a little bit of nature and a little bit of nurture.
But how much of which and why? That is the more interesting question.
Crying in childhood and adolescence.
Any parent of boys will confirm the data that boys do not cry any less than girls before puberty; in fact, some research even suggests that little boys may cry slightly more than little girls (Van Tilburg et al., 2002). However, this all changes in adolescence, when boys start crying less whilst girls continue shedding tears. The problem with this is that two critical variables collide simultaneously and are precisely the variables we hope to disentangle: testosterone rises in tandem with masculine ideals. The hormonal fluctuations are erratic; the social pressure is gargantuan. The scientists need clarification.
Evolutionary psychologists suggest a plausible theory that pubertal hormones suppress the urge to cry in men because this might have conferred an evolutionary advantage. Perhaps the judgmental cavewomen of yesteryear perceived emotionally expressive cavemen to be less mateworthy. Over time, stoic cavemen might have had more stoic babies, causing this trait to be selected for. It's possible. One part of the puzzle, then, is that men might cry less because they experience fewer biological urges to cry. Their bodies might nudge them to use a different set of coping tools.
However, one clever study by Van Tilburg examined gender and crying rates in adolescence and whether this was related to the onset of menstruation or rates of empathy. Although this examined crying in relation to women’s hormones, not men’s, they found no relationship between the onset of menstruation and crying (onset of periods did not trigger a significant increase in crying amongst the girls). However, levels of empathy in both gendered groups was related to crying frequency (Van Tilburg et al., 2002). Whilst empathy could be biologically mediated, girls are also socialised to cultivate empathy in adolescence, whereas this is typically less valued in boys in favour of traits such as athleticism and charisma. Thus, this study leant more heavily towards the hypothesis that the tearfulness disparity is at least partially mediated by cultural conditioning.
Biology or active suppression?
Indeed, both clinical experience and qualitative research lead me to suspect this hypothesis: that while men might indeed experience the urge to cry less frequently, on average, they nonetheless do experience the urge to shed tears more frequently than they report. However, they are exceptionally likely to suppress it, especially around other women and men. This is because internalised masculine ideals have left them with a searing shame of their tears and a fear that others might perceive them as weak, feminine, unattractive, unmanly or incapable of protection.
I suspect that when men do experience the impulse to cry, many exert great effort in actively redirecting the flow of tears back from whence they came. Which leads me to another question. Do men experience the urge less frequently because of hormones? Or is it because their bodies have learned that men will cut off their biological needs so reliably that the juice is not worth the squeeze?
Men do cry.
You might wonder why I am so confident that men experience the urge to cry and would cry much more if meaningfully permitted to. It is because psychologists know something that others do not, and it is that men often do cry in therapy. This is true for men from almost all walks of life; for men who say that they do not cry in front of their wives or children, for men who hide their emotions and for men socialised into strong masculine subcultures, such as veterans. Indeed, although crying is likely to be underreported, 30% of men acknowledge crying in the last month (Fox, 2004). It is a privilege to create a safe space where men can talk about their emotional inner lives and allow their bodies to express the tears they have been holding back. The tears about their losses, their sadness, their love, their pain, their regret, their anxiety, their hope and their shame. To speak to the man and the boy inside that man and say: it's okay to cry. You can be strong and sad at the same time. Your tears are welcome here.
The hypothesis that a large portion of the unshed tears of men can be accounted for by active suppression due to shame is supported by the reflections of British men in a research study by Kleenex into men and crying (Fox, 2004). For example, three men said:
"Having a really good sob is equated with weakness, particularly if you're English. You're no longer the alpha male."
"You'd be in tears all the time... It's that last bit where you 'bawl' – that's what I can't do – it's probably because when there are people around, I don't want to be seen to be losing control."
"It is controllable, that welling up where you actually build up to a pitch where you know the next thing is tears. It's that last second – you take the deep breath – I never let go. Maybe I should have that last gasp and let go to see what happens."
The role of shame.
So many men are holding back, and we can safely assume that playground taunts and the perception of other men affect them greatly. But what role do women play? Do you assume that women are consistently more compassionate and that it's always other guys whose judgments men are worried about? If so, you might assume wrong. In the same study, a couple of women admitted subscribing to ideals of masculinity. They said they would be unquestioningly supportive if a man cried over something "big"; however, if a man cried over something more "trivial" that a woman might stereotypically cry over, such as feeling unattractive in a new outfit, they would find this disconcerting (Fox, 2004). A similar study which presented vignettes on fictional crying people found similar results: people of any gender perceived men and women’s fictional tears to be valid when the situation was unambiguously distressing (such as bereavement or romantic separation). However, gender norms applied to more day-to-day situations, such as losing one’s work on a computer. (Fischer et al., 2004).
It takes only a cursory watch of reality shows such as Love Island to see that old school gender ideals have seeped into modern dating culture and that some young women romanticise traditionally masculine values and denigrate men for being "too nice" or “too keen”. Of course, this is #notallwomen. But in the same way that we ask men to examine their internalised sexism towards women and girls, perhaps we need to honestly examine our collective attitudes that keep men's eyes dry.
We think societal attitudes have transformed, but have they truly shifted, or do we pay lip service to superficially progressive ideals? Research suggests that whilst 92% of people agree that men should be able to cry freely without judgment, men do not report crying any more freely than they did in the eighties, nineties or early noughties, which is curious (Warner & Shields, 2007). While few would still say “big boys don’t cry” to their four year olds, studies show that men and women parents may subtly discourage tears in their boys more than in their girls (Chaplin et al., 2005). The messages may have become more insidious but they are no less real. Boys may be encouraged to dry their eyes quicker and go out and play; thus, the legacy of attitudes from previous decades gets passed on intergenerationally.
Back to the question of whether crying always leads to a “healthy release”, as therapy culture would suggest. The answer turns out to be nuanced; it depends on whether you experience crying as shameful. It is not only gender that determines whether we relate to our "crying selves" as shameful and weak- culture, generational values and personal history also play a part. However, the role of gender and playground taunts such as "crying is for p***ies" cannot be underestimated. These messages become embedded in the male psyche and it can take deep work to loosen their grip. It is not enough to encourage men to let themselves cry more, then; we must create a world where men and boys can feel emotionally safe to shed their tears, or to express their emotional selves in whatever way feels congruent and authentic for them.
The good news for men is that most research finds that, except for the studies on ‘trivial situations’, people overwhelmingly react not only sympathetically but also admiringly to fictional crying men. Two hypotheses have been suggested to explain this: one, that men display crying behaviour less frequently and so are more likely to be “taken seriously” and, two, that gender norms are becoming more fluid. One study by Labott and colleagues recorded participants’ responses to actors’ reactions to an emotional film (crying, laughter or no expression). They found that participants liked the male actors much better when they wept in response to the emotional film, than when they did not. Sadly, the women actors were liked better when they remained dry eyed, challenging the idea that women’s tears are always accepted uncritically, and highlighting that women can face sexist stereotypes for being dramatic or ‘overemotional’ (Warner & Shields, 2007).
The downsides of being a man.
The downsides of an ideology of masculinity that is rigid and discourages emotional expression is that it feminises empathy, connection, vulnerability and emotional support. It also turns femininity and masculinity into polarised binaries, splits them off, and locates masculinity in men and femininity in women, rather than understanding that all people can contain multitudes. In places where masculinity is constructed rigidly, this arguably distances men from intimacy, emotion and the expression of their authentic selves. The feminist writer Caitlin Moran, author of What About Men, began her exploration of this topic by Tweeting “what are the downsides of being a man?” several years ago. Amongst more trivial responses, she received some moving and illuminating replies:
“There’s a sense of community within female-land (real place). A sense of belonging and support. Men don’t have that. When things are tough or difficult, we often feel isolated”.
“I said I liked Queer Eye [TV Show in which gay men and queer people lead motivational makeovers] the other day and a man screamed across the office “MINUS 1000 MAN POINTS””
“Men aren’t conditioned to talk to each other about our lives. We meet up, have a four hour conversation about who would win in a fight between inspector gadget and RoboCop, but never get our worries off our chests”
“My 4 year old son was devastated when I told him he wouldn’t grow up to be a mummy, he’d be a daddy. I asked him why, he said “because no one hugs daddies and they never get to dance”. My husband sadly confirmed this is largely true. (He now makes sure to dance hugging him every day)”
Of course, this will not apply to all men from all generations, class backgrounds, cultures, families or communities. But enough of a pattern persists in enough places for it to be worth noting.
Starting a dialogue.
We cannot erase decades of “crying is for girls” from the collective psyche, but perhaps we can continue to build more flexible ideas of masculinity and vulnerability with ourselves and the boys and men in our lives. And we can start with a dialogue. Why not ask the man in your life: what was it like growing up as a boy? What messages did you learn about what it meant to “be a man”? Do you feel pressure to “stay strong for your family”? What do you worry others will think about you if you show vulnerability? Do you think it’s possible to be vulnerable and strong at the same time? If you could talk to yourself as a little boy, what would you want him to know? Are there times when I have made you feel like you can’t be the emotional one? How can I help you feel safe to open up about what’s on your mind? In therapy, as in life, new beginnings often start with meaningful conversations.
The bottom line.
In a world where the younger generations are fighting for a more flexible understanding of gender, we still live in a profoundly gendered world. It's tempting to assume that men inherently lack the capacity for tears, but the reality, as anyone would have guessed, is likely more complex. Tears evolved as a form of emotional communication and can elicit compassion and concern. As Warner and Shields put it, “Crying is a condensed way to say: I am feeling intensely…tears demonstrate the profundity of a person’s feelings when speech fails” (p. 4). However, it seems that when men's vulnerable parts long for tearful release, they often work hard to hold it back. And when tears are shed shamefully in private with no one there to wipe them away, something is lost.
Being a human is hard. Compassion should know no gender, and when men and boys suppress their emotions, the world becomes a little less kind, connected and open. It’s time to not only pay lip service to “it’s okay to cry” slogans but to meaningfully interrogate the biases we all hold around gender and emotion for people of all genders, even when it makes us uncomfortable. Because we all deserve to have a good cry when we break something we shouldn't have broken or when we press CTRL ALT DELETE on a piece of our lives. And we all deserve to feel the warm hand of someone who reassures us that, "It's okay to let it all out; you'll feel better when you do".
Recommended resources
I highly recommend the documentary “The Mask You Live In” on Netflix by Jennifer Siebel Newsom and The Representation Project. It has a powerful ad which you can watch here on Youtube.
Caitlin Moran explores these issues in her 2023 book What About Men.
Robert Webb explores ideas around masculinity in his memoir How Not To Be a Boy.
You can find resources for men’s mental health on the Movember website.
If you want to read more about the dangers of emotional suppression for health, you can read my blog post How We Hurt Our Friends When We’re Trying to Help: Is Our Positivity Toxic?
References and Sources
Chaplin, T. M., Cole, P. M., & Zahn-Waxler, C. (2005). Parental socialization of emotion expression: gender differences and relations to child adjustment. Emotion, 5(1), 80.
Fischer, A. H., Manstead, A. S. R., Evers, C., Timmers, M., & Valk, G. (2004). Motives and norms underlying emotion regulation. In P. Philippot & R.S. Feldman (Eds.), The regulation of emotion (pp. 187-210). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Fox, K. (2004). The Kleenex® for Men Crying Game Report: a study of men and crying. Social Issues Research Centre, September Notes, 1-20.
Kathy Mendias: The mood-boosting power of crying | TED Talk
Labott, S. M., Martin, R. B., Eason, P. S., and Berkey, E. Y. (1991). Social reactions to the expression of emotion. Cognition and Emotion, 5, 397-419.
Van Tilburg, M. A., Unterberg, M. L., & Vingerhoets, A. J. (2002). Crying during adolescence: The role of gender, menarche, and empathy. British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 20(1), 77-87.
Warner, L. R., & Shields, S. A. (2007). Perception of crying in women and men. Group dynamics and emotional expression, 92-117.
