Domestic violence is a parenting choice: why we must revolutionise how we think about intimate partner abuse.
“Domestic abuse is child abuse” proclaims the National Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC). So why is society, including the institutions responsible for child protection, so slow to catch up?
Dr Hannah Ryan
Please note: this article refers to the victim-survivor as woman and the perpetrator as man. This is not to suggest that male, trans and non-binary victims of domestic abuse do not exist, or that their voices do not matter. In the UK, 93.8% of adult males are responsible for domestic abuse, according to a recent report by the NSPCC. This picture also reflects the families I have worked with in clinical practice. Therefore, in this particular post, I will focus on women, mothering and the impact of domestic abuse as a gender-based form of violence and/or control. For supports and resources, please scroll to the end.
Domestic abuse is an epidemic.
Rates of domestic abuse are likely to be underestimated due to stigma and underreporting, but the NSPCC currently suggests that more than 1 in 10 children in the UK is exposed to some form of domestic abuse in the home. I would venture, from direct experience, that it is not possible to work in children’s services and not feel complete overwhelm and despair at the scale of the problem. For example, during the pandemic, 11,600 children called or texted the NSPCC seeking to be soothed by adults they do not know because of domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse is more than what children can see and hear.
The impact on children is often underestimated. Research robustly demonstrates that children who experience intimate partner abuse perpetrated by one parent towards the other are at greater risk of poor outcomes in adolescence and adulthood, and this happens through multiple pathways (e.g. Moylan et al., 2010; Radford et al., 2011; Pingey, 2017). A dangerous myth is that children are only harmed when they witness physical violence. Not only do children overhear more than their parents think they do, they also absorb the emotional atmosphere of the entire family system (Edleson,1999; NSPCC, 2023). Moreover, consequences of abuse are often located in the woman after separation, making it unclear who caused what and where responsibility lies.
Multiple pathways to harm (Safe & Together Institute, 2023)
Here are some of the many pathways through which children can be affected during and after domestic abuse (Mandel, Mitchell & Stearns, 2020). In most cases, it is right to place responsibility for this harm with the perpetrator:
Directly witnessing violence with their eyes or ears.
Observing one parent undermine the other with blame, contempt, hostility, swearing, threats or control.
Sensing an atmosphere of tension, hatred or fear in the home, car or community.
Witnessing one parent carrying physical injuries after an attack and feeling distressed, confused or overwhelmed by this.
Observing one parent crying, despondent or showing signs of emotional distress due to any form of abuse.
Experiencing housing insecurity as a result of one parent financially abusing another or one parent being forced to flee.
Sensing one parent's preoccupation due to their fear, hypervigilance to threat or need to survive and prioritise protection over play.
Experiencing one parent's undermined parenting confidence due to the other parent's campaign of emotional abuse.
Experiencing one parent's mental health difficulties due to the other parent's abuse.
Observing a relationship model that includes misogyny, power abuse and control.
Being exposed to potentially frightening or intrusive experiences of public authorities, such as police, social services or court-mandated interviewers, due to one parent's abuse.
It also includes what they miss out on. They miss out on a home that feels emotionally warm, safe and secure. They miss out on seeing their mother thrive. They miss out on experiencing their mother at their best parenting self. They miss out on observing a relationship model that includes respect, humility, kindness, safety and equality.
Where does responsibility lie?
Responsibility for these harmful effects lies with the perpetrator. However, the fault can often be located in the victim-survivor by the perpetrator, public services such as the courts, social care and even, if not especially, the woman herself. This has to change.
Take, for example, a fictional 23-year-old woman who escapes domestic violence after a three-year campaign of emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Now imagine that this woman is living in a homeless shelter and, despite being a doting mother, is struggling to leave the house due to heightened anxiety, panic and symptoms of PTSD. She is, after all, on an 18 month waiting list for therapy with the NHS. As a result, she cannot bring her two-year-old to school.
It is only a matter of time before a social worker becomes involved and puts her son on a child-in-need plan. But under what category? The category will likely be neglect or emotional abuse, with the description reading, "Mum's mental health" rather than "domestic violence". The effect is that the woman will feel blamed by social services for being a "bad parent", just as she felt blamed by her ex-partner for just about everything. The effect is severed from the cause; the woman carries the guilt for choosing the wrong partner, for not leaving sooner, for not protecting her child more effectively, for not co-parenting constructively and now for not bouncing back quickly enough after a campaign of hostility, control and violence that would compromise the most resilient among us. Of course, she must take responsibility for her life choices and recovery. But must she take responsibility for his, too?
How do we work with perpetrators?
A question you may be asking is: do perpetrators deserve our compassion? Well, tragically, research suggests that a minority of children exposed to domestic abuse will grow up to become perpetrators themselves (Murrell, Christoff & Henning, 2007). Witnessing abuse does not guarantee that you will become an abuser, but it is rare to become an abuser without having witnessed abuse or violence in childhood.
This is where we can hold both/and positions. When we hold perpetrators firmly and fiercely accountable for their actions in the present, this can free us up to hold a dual position of compassion for their past selves. We can be curious about what happened to the parts of them that were once hurt, frightened and humiliated whilst holding an uncompromising line against the parts that are choosing to hurt, frighten and humiliate. We can hold space for them as whole people. In doing so, we create the possibility for growth.
If we do this, we model the belief that perpetrators can recover and change within a strong container that says: "This is not okay. I won't allow you to do this to yourself or other people. This is abuse; it's a choice, it's never acceptable, and it must stop now". This creates a transparent, authentic and boundaried relationship within which meaningful work can potentially occur. It is also, perhaps, what the child inside that man needed to hear once too. Otherwise, especially as women therapists, we risk colluding with abuse and replicating abusive dynamics by "walking on eggshells". However, such transformative work is only possible when perpetrators are highly motivated to take accountability.
The final point.
Domestic abuse is child abuse (NSPCC, 2023). We must dispense with the old adage that, "A man can be a good father and a bad husband", because it isn't true. A man can become a good father, but only when he treats his child or children’s mother with respect. When a man hurts his child's mother, he hurts his child. It is as simple, and as infinitely complex as that. Children are wounded when they see, hear or sense that one parent has been abused by another. It is not the victim-survivor’s responsibility to be superhuman and erase that hurt, switch off their emotions and respond by experiencing no emotional consequences of abuse. Some perpetrators can change and evolve, and they can begin by learning to take responsibility, face their actions and prioritise how they relate to their co-parent.
If we want to develop truly trauma-informed services, we must hold perpetrators accountable as co-parents and recognise the multiple pathways that cause harm in families affected by abuse. Above all, to avoid perpetuating misognystic dynamics, we must get very clear about where responsiblity lies. In other words, when the victim survivor is left holding the pieces, we must remind ourselves to remember who threw the vase.
Support and resources
For support for victim-survivors, please visit Supporting survivors - Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk) for help, information and advice. If you are in immediate danger, please call 999. For more information about this, please visit this website.
If you are a man who is a victim of domestic abuse, please visit this website: Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men | Men's Advice Line UK (mensadviceline.org.uk)
If you are a man who recognises that you may be repeating cycles of control or abuse and you want to get support to show up and parent differently, help is available. You can find more information and support here: Help For Domestic Violence Perpetrators | Respect Phoneline UK or here: Working with Men as Parents: Fathers' Parenting Choices Matter (safeandtogetherinstitute.com).
If you are a young person who needs to talk, click here: Home - Kooth
References and Sources
I must acknowledge that much of my knowledge in this article, especially the language “domestic abuse is a parenting choice”, “domestic abuse is more than what children can see and hear” and “multiple pathways to harm” came from consultation and training from the Safe & Together Institute, to whom I am grateful. Domestic Violence Training Courses & Education Resources | Online DV Classes & Trainings | Safe & Together Institute (safeandtogetherinstitute.com)
Edleson, J. L. (1999). Children's witnessing of adult domestic violence. Journal of interpersonal Violence, 14(8), 839-870. children-witnessing-of-adult-domestic-violence-libre.pdf (d1wqtxts1xzle7.cloudfront.net)
How to Protect Children From Domestic Abuse | NSPCC
Mandel, D., Mitchell, A., & Stearns Mandel, R. (2020) How Domestic Violence Perpetrators Manipulate Systems. The Safe & Together Institute. Link: PerpManipulation_4721 (1).pdf
Moylan, C. A., Herrenkohl, T. I., Sousa, C., Tajima, E. A., Herrenkohl, R. C., & Russo, M. J. (2010). The effects of child abuse and exposure to domestic violence on adolescent internalizing and externalizing behavior problems. Journal of family Violence, 25, 53-63.
Murrell, A. R., Christoff, K. A., & Henning, K. R. (2007). Characteristics of domestic violence offenders: Associations with childhood exposure to violence. Journal of family violence, 22, 523-532.
Pingley, T. (2017). The impact of witnessing domestic violence on children: A systematic review. Master of Social Work Clinical Research Papers.
Radford et al. (2011). Child Abuse and Neglect in the UK Today. NSPCC Report. Child abuse and neglect in the UK today (nspcc.org.uk)
