The Most Compassionate New Year’s Resolution You Can Set This Year is No Resolution at All

Dr Hannah Ryan, Clinical Psychologist, Two Leaves Therapy

We've all been there. New Year's Fireworks herald a fresh start, and the expensive notebook comes out. We ponder the parts of ourselves we resent, the parts of others we envy and the people we'd like to become. As we write a bullet list of resolutions, we are not so much planning goals as casting spells in the manner of a teenager with sage and spellbooks. And it feels good, at least in the moment.

However, weeks melt into months, and life becomes predictably mundane, repetitive and hard, bringing with it the same old thoughts from which we yearn to detach. Carrot cake calls, the screen beckons and our motivation sags. The diet makes us hangry, the language app and predawn jogs feel like homework and punishment, and we roll over and hit the snooze button.

Facing the mirror, we berate ourselves as too something. Too undisciplined, too lazy, too lumpy, too saggy, too wrinkly, too boring, too uninteresting, too unaccomplished, too unfit, too imperfect to be entitled to unqualified, unapologetic life. While this may not be the journey for all of us, it is, as research suggests, the path for 94%. And it explains, in essence, several of the problems I have with New Year's Resolutions.

Over the last decade, the expansion of social media into every aspect of our lives has coincided with an individualistic fixation with goal setting, self-improvement, productivity and what has been colloquially termed ‘hustle culture’. Influencers stretch ‘awake’ on TikTok with self-help books stacked neatly on their bedside lockers and invite us along on their morning routines. They sell the idea that if you, too, begin the day with a shot of Italian espresso, a shocking dunk in cold water and a complex breathing technique, you could possess a share of the peace, optimism, dewy skin and effortless success they appear to radiate. It’s a tempting offer.

And while neither breathing exercises nor Italian coffee are necessarily harmful, and may even be healthful, it is the restless pursuit of achievement, self-growth, and self-improvement that can take a grinding toll on our mental health. For starters, this culture insidiously urges us to strive, strive and strive some more such that resting as we are comes with a creeping fear of laziness, unproductivity and stagnation. In Zen Buddhism and other Eastern spiritual traditions, there is deep respect for the value of rest, stillness and quietude; however, in our modern world, we are rapidly losing sight of this at great cost to our health. As Molly May-Hague, a privileged influencer, recently said, quoting Zig Zigler, “We all have the same 24 hours in a day”. As Kim Kardashian notoriously said, “Get your fucking ass up and work”. They both failed to recognise that how we use those 24 hours and what we do for work are highly constrained by the relative conditions of our lives.

Issues of privilege aside, the pressure to be extraordinary and meet society’s inflated expectations, fueled by capitalism's perpetual desire for progress, leaves many of us feeling inadequate, stretched and perennially overwhelmed. Worryingly, we stop listening to our bodies and instead listen to the motivational music in our minds. As Gabor Maté has written in The Body Says No, when we fail to listen to our bodies, they may eventually scream at us to stop through symptoms which may become debilitating.

However, few heed his warnings. Increasingly, we are living our lives for the outside in rather than the inside out. In a capitalist economy, even self-care has become commodified and transformed into a competitive pursuit for change, paradoxically distancing it from its original definition and distorting it into something borderline grotesque. Skincare means fighting wrinkles rather than tending to one’s skin with soothing sensations after a long day; breathing exercises become a way of fighting off death in order to extend one’s productivity. We find ourselves plagued by a false sense of urgency that perpetually nags us out of a state of being into a state of doing- even if such doing means frenetically making pointless lists so we can feel pointlessly productive.

This productivity ghoul also haunts us with the gnawing sense that something is fundamentally wrong with us and that if we could only learn Japanese on Duo Lingo, do enough Pilates and get our teeth professionally whitened, we might finally feel lovable. In this context, resolutions are less about asking “How do I want to relate to myself?” and more about asking “which versions of myself do I want to abandon, and which versions of others could I feasibly become?”

Instagram, Capitalism, and the Mental Health Quandary

We all understand by now that Instagram and similar platforms potentially inflate norms of happiness, romance and contentedness, creating an illusion in which everyone seems to have their lives a little bit more together than you. Even with the objectification of relatability, Instagram remains a place where we overwhelmingly put our best selves forward; the temptation is too high not to. Whilst we know rationally that social media is not reality, we are both visual and social creatures. If we are subjected to 45 images of perfect couples, we will naturally wonder if everyone else has found love except us. If we are exposed to 45 photos of people beaming with openmouthed joy when we are feeling low, we will naturally feel more isolated in our sorrow. We are wired to compare and despair; this inheres in our evolutionary makeup.

However, while we were built for a tribal culture within small villages, we were not designed to compare on a global scale. This constant exposure to curated success fosters a climate where setting resolutions is not just a straightforward choice but an implicit expectation as we scramble to keep up with our peers as well as influencers. Blindboy, a writer and podcaster, comments on this phenomenon: “We live in a society that tells us that we have more worth as people if we have more money, or we’re more physically attractive. This is what influencers peddle. Influencers peddle an ideal self. Influencers construct an online life of absolute perfection: wealth, style, perfect marriage, perfect children, perfect house, perfect friends, perfect fun. A successful influencer is someone who is able to successfully encapsulate a zeitgeist of society’s conditions of what society’s conditions of worth are right now. But an influencer isn’t selling you [beauty products or style tips] but a better version of yourself”.

Resolutions, the Wellness Industry and the Individualisation of Self-Care

Resolutions and the wellness industry are cosy bedfellows, and while the latter may have begun with good intentions, it has since morphed into something altogether more sinister. Like a Botox saleswoman, the wellness industry is there to sell you the idea that your ailments can always be traced to your own stress and that your sagging face is down to your own negligence. The problem of your imperfection, dissatisfaction and ennui is never down to your humanness but is, instead, always your fault; it therefore follows that the cure to the existential problems of living is not acceptance but a product, a service, and more work.

As Katherine Rowland wrote in her recent Guardian article, “To believe that you are at the helm can offer respite from the constant deluge of technology, screaming children and a burning planet. But an illusion it remains. Even the best-laid plan of diet, exercise and sobriety will dictate only a small portion of health outcomes, because it simply pales in comparison to systemic factors, including the spillage of work into all waking hours, the orange haze that consumes the skies, and the lopsided hazards and opportunities that hew to how much you earn, or the colour of your skin”.

In other words, systemic factors such as the conditions of our work, the politics of our country and the institutional conditions within which we live our lives constrain us significantly. Whilst it is always a dialectic: we are both out of control of many of the determinants of our well-being and in control of enough that it makes sense to take responsibility, the systemic contributors to health are systematically erased from the well-being industry. It is unlikely, for example, that your life coach will point out that you are suffering because of institutional racism and sexism and suggest that you join a union or a feminist support group. Instead, he may more likely diagnose you with faulty thoughts and prescribe an affirmation practice for the new year.

But is goal setting actually bad for you?

It depends. Setting goals and cultivating tantalising dreams of what the new year could bring is not harmful in and of itself. Many people find setting resolutions energising, motivating and fun. If this is you, by all means fill your boots. But if our desire for change is not balanced with compassion, acceptance and a basic recognition of the reality of our human complexity, then hustling ourselves into states of perennial improvement can signal to our bodies and minds that we are never permitted to simply exist because we have not earned it and that we are never as good as an idealised perfect version of ourselves who is always, necessarily, better.

Elizabeth Gilbert put it like this:

“You are not required to justify your existence on Earth through continual improvement. You are not a Fortune 500 company, and you don’t have to show increasing profits. You don’t have to earn your right to be here by putting yourself to higher and higher standards. You just get to be here. You belong here”.

Five Compassionate Alternatives to Resolutions

So, how do we step off the peloton bike? As suggested in the title, refusing to make resolutions is itself a legitimate act of resistance. However, perhaps you enjoy the invitation to reflect and project that New Year’s brings. If so, here are five alternatives which are more gentle, compassionate and potentially realistic than the traditional approach.

1. Clarify Values Rather Than Goals

Shift your focus from achieving specific goals to aligning with your core, authentic values. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this approach emphasises living a meaningful life guided by values rather than fixating on external achievements. Research consistently demonstrates the healthy impact of values-driven living on overall well-being.

To differentiate values and goals, we can use a hiking metaphor; if I am hiking towards a mountain, the mountain represents the goal, but my values represent the direction of travel, such as East or West. Values, therefore, can never be achieved or ticked off. I can never achieve being loving, being playful, connecting with nature, nurturing relationships, being artistic, being kind to myself, being a present parent, learning and growing or pursuing joy; I can only get closer or further away to being on or off track. Like a compass, clarifying our values can help remind us how far off course we have become.

To clarify your values, divide a physical or virtual piece of paper into three parts: not important to me, somewhat important to me and very important to me. Next, read through a list of sample values slowly and mindfully and notice which ones you identify with and which ones you resist. Values should be freely chosen; they are not necessarily the same values that you have inherited from family, upbringing or religion, as we will naturally identify with some and strongly resist others.

Once you have clarified your values, consider resisting the immediate urge to turn them into goals. Research suggests that the simple act of value clarification can be powerful in and of itself.

You can find another list of sample values on Brene Brown’s website here.

2. Reflect

Instead of imposing rigid goals, consider committing to a project of emotional integration through reflections. Shirk Toxic Positivity and allow yourself to delve into your emotions without censorship. Reflecting on your experiences and allowing yourself full expression- tears and all- can provide profound insights into your internal world, help you process adverse memories and provide emotional relief.

If you wish to follow an evidence-based protocol, Pennebaker’s writing experiments can guide you. This involves choosing something emotionally difficult that happened in the last year and writing about it freely for twenty minutes, four days in a row: no silver linings, no forced gratitude, and no positive spins. Just write, uncensored, about your emotional experience. Research suggests that this may not only improve your mental health but can also modestly improve your immune system for six months and beyond.

3. Set F.U.N Goals Rather than S.M.A.R.T Goals

You’ve heard of S.M.A.R.T. goals, but have you heard of F.U.N. ones? If you love a goal, consider introducing flexibility to your aspirations with F.U.N goals – Flexible, Understandable, and Nurturing.

F.U.N. goals are rooted in both self-compassion and realism and avoid setting you up to fail. Unlike their clever cousin, they enable you to craft goals that accommodate constraints, whether related to financial issues, relational burdens, physical or mental health difficulties or, well, just life. This makes them perfect for anyone with caring responsibilities or a chronic illness that is unpredictable, such as Long Covid. First developed by Emily Ladau, Disability Activist and given the acronym Flexible, Uplifting and Numberless, it has since evolved within the chronic health and disability community and now has many iterations, including Fun, Understanding and Nurturing.

For instance, you could set a goal to, “move my body more often in a way I enjoy when I am well enough and have the energy to do so” or “spend time in nature- swimming or walking mindfully in the park- when I don’t have caring responsibilities for my dad” instead of adhering to rigid objectives such as “run 10k daily by April 30th”. If we embrace the spirit of the acronym by focusing on how we want to feel internally, on whether our chosen activities are likely to feel genuinely pleasurable, meaningful and nourishing rather than something joyless we feel we “should” do, we may not only move away from perfectionism towards authentic self-nourishment, we may also be more likely to stick to it too.

4. Send gentle wishes to yourself and others with loving kindness

Take a leaf out of Buddhism, mindfulness and Eastern spiritual traditions and instead of constructing elaborate plans, send yourself and others gentle wishes with loving kindness. For example, “May I learn to live at greater ease with my body and find moments of joy alongside moments of suffering in the wake of my diagnosis”. “May all of us with this condition find greater ease within our bodies”. Or, “May I hold my grief softly this year after losing my beloved dad. May I welcome all my emotions, including deep sorrow, wonder and great joy”, “May all those of us with grief be treated gently by the world this year”.

5. Subtract Expectations Rather than Adding More (the anti-resolution)

A final compassionate approach is to embrace the anti-resolution by subtracting expectations from your life rather than adding more in. This word (subtract) has been used by Leidy Klotz in her book of the same name, and you can listen to her speaking about it here.

For example, “This year, instead of pushing myself to run, I am going to go on long walks and listen to podcasts, which I enjoy much more”. Or, “This year, I want to let go of the pressure to starve myself into thinness and learn to nourish my body in ways that feel good, even if that means my weight fluctuates”. Or, “I want to embrace my ADHD and be kinder to myself about my struggles with organisation. I want to find ways of organising my home that work for me and let go of the expectation that I can run my house like my mum and sister”. Or simply, “This year, I am going to quit my spin class. It just stresses me out”. Which expectations would you like to work towards unburdening yourself from this year? How much lighter would you feel next year if you could?

Final Thoughts

Here’s a thought experiment: imagine you were caring for a vulnerable child over the holiday season, and they had had a tough year. Would you force them to set unrealistic goals on New Year’s Eve? Would you encourage them to become proficient in a foreign language, take up long-distance running, learn the violin, practice their times tables or lose weight? What kind of carer would you be if you did, and how would that impact their development? Or would you feel the urge to approach them with warmth, compassion, connection, nurture and understanding? What would this look like? How could you take this approach with yourself, and what might get in the way?

As we approach the New Year, remember this: you don’t have to succumb to the pressure of setting traditional resolutions, even though that pressure is very real. Whether you embrace yourself as you are in all your messy, gorgeous glory, strive for the satisfaction of personal growth or find a balance somewhere in between, remember that life is brimming with expectations to be better from all angles, but the reality is that we are all inescapably flawed and that adversity, failure, messiness, distress and ageing come for us all. It can be liberating to accept that our mood, along with our weight, will always fluctuate. Just as the sky changes from sunny to cloudy in the course of an afternoon, it is the nature of minds and bodies to change too.

In an era that encourages constant improvement, sitting in front of the TV with a box of chocolates and a hot water bottle and telling yourself that it’s completely okay to do so is a radical act. It’s natural to want to grow, improve and imagine extraordinary futures for ourselves. However, if we want to care for our bodies and minds meaningfully, we need to balance our desire for improvement with our bodies’ natural yearning for rest, play, compassion, freedom, connection and the permission to feel and be perfectly imperfect. What would it be like if this year you allowed yourself to live in step with your body and take care of yourself exactly as you are?

Bitesize Recommended Resources

Hustle Culture and Self-Compassion: How To Set Healthier Goals With Well-being’s Amanda Morris

Blindboy. Humanistic Psychology and the Myth of King Mydas.

School of Life: The Perfectionist Trap.

The Laziness Lie with Devon Price. Psychologists Off The Clock.

Subtract podcast with Leidy Klotz. Psychologists Off the Clock.

The Happiness Trap: Evolution of the Human Mind by Russ Harris.

Values vs Goals by Russ Harris.

Kristen Neff: Overcoming Objections to Self-Compassion

Brené Brown: The Power of Vulnerability.

Just One Thing: Write It Out (Michael Moseley on Pennebaker’s Writing Experiments).

Two Leaves Therapy. So You’re Not a Perfectionist. Are You Sure About That?