Reparenting Yourself Whilst Parenting Teenagers: The Simple Magic of Biting Your Tongue.
How to manage triggers and inhibit the urge to react impulsively when parenting teenagers.
Dr Hannah Ryan
This story was inspired by real-life events, but several details have been changed.
I am not a parent of teenagers, but I am lucky enough to have several in my life. Last weekend, two of these delightful teens, whom, for anonymity, I will call Zack and Daisy, came to visit me from Ireland. Excitement had built for months as we planned an adventure-filled itinerary via WhatsApp: a trip to the West End, followed by the 3D Planet Earth exhibition, topped off with a requisite spin around Borough Market in search of Tik Tokable chocolate strawberries. So you can imagine my knee-jerk response when one of their reactions to the exhibit (which had moved me to almost tears) was, "Is that it?" and to Borough Market was, "Well, coming here was a huge mistake".
Okay, Hannah, pause. Definitely don't say, "What do you mean, "Is that it?!" you ungrateful little...!" Breathe.
(1) Bite your tongue and zip it.
It's in moments like this that I am grateful to have my training in parenting psychology. I am even more grateful that I get to practice being with teenagers before I parent them myself. Because I just about remembered to pause, "zip it", and bite my tongue on both occasions.
Biting your tongue is not about stifling your emotions or storing up resentment. Instead, it's about allowing the emotionally younger and triggered parts of your brain to settle and breathe. It prevents relational damage and creates crucial space between the trigger and reaction where new choices and possibilities can flourish. It takes practice and self-control and can be understandably harder for ADHD parents or parents with impulsive parts that tend to ‘speak before they think’. When mastered, it can be a powerful tool.
(2) Turn inward to reflect with curiosity.
The second step involves turning inward to reflect on what's coming up for you with curiosity. You might think this is silly (surely as I'm feeling it, I already know what I'm feeling?). Trust me. When we are feeling, we are often fused with the feeling. We create space and insight when we can investigate and label from our observer self.
There is often more than one layer to this.
Layer one. I had poured much love, energy, time and expectation into this trip. I had an idealised image of us running joyfully around London, laughing and frolicking, not ferrying sullen and chocolate-stained teenagers from one disappointment to another. Now, there was a gap between the expectation and the reality and beneath my frustration were feelings of disappointment and hurt. Did I not do a good enough job? Just naming this inwardly softened the original feeling.
Underneath, you might have a second unconscious layer. You can only guess or hypothesise here, and don't worry about "getting it right". Perhaps, when you were younger, your family didn't have the money to bring you on exciting excursions. This may lead to (bear with me) your younger parts envying what your actual child has, and a strong expectation that your teenager will be grateful and joyful when you plan family outings for them. Every story will differ, but your intuition will tell you if your hypothesis resonates.
Notice and validate whatever emotions come up with a simple gesture and phrase, such as a hand on the chest and a short acknowledgement- "That makes sense. I understand why you would feel disappointed".
(3) Choose to parent from your adult self.
These first steps should lead to an internal softening, allowing you to make a mature choice to parent from your adult self, not the younger, reactive, triggered part. You might have to ask your younger part, “Could you step back to make some space for a while?” Parenting from your adult self means more than holding back sharp words; it also means avoiding passive aggression.
Suppose you are suddenly more punitive, less affectionate, less playful or withholding of attention or eye contact. Suppose you suddenly start walking several paces away. Your teens will sense this, however subtle or insidious; it will worry them and dysregulate their nervous systems. They may suddenly people please to seek your approval, act out to change the dynamics or cry out at a barely twisted ankle in need of emotional more than physical soothing. They will not be able to put their finger on why they feel so badly because they will not have permission to name that you are angry with them. This can be just as unsettling- if not more, than sharp words spoken impulsively, especially if the sharp words are repaired afterwards.
(4) Get curious about other interpretations.
Step four involves getting curious about other interpretations of the triggering behaviour. As a shortcut, I often call this, "It might be this, or it might be that". It might be that they are ungrateful, but it might be something else. What else could it be?
In the case of Zack and Daisy, this didn't require a detective or a psychologist to solve the case. Let’s put it this way: we needed neither Monsieur Poirot nor Dr Becky.
The first clue was when Daisy asked me how many times I'd seen someone stabbed to death on the tube. The second was when Zack suggested, rather forcefully, that we avoid a particular brightly lit route in a posh area in case we got mugged. The third was reminding myself that they had only ever left their (relatively rural) village in Ireland to go to another (relatively rural) town in Spain. This was only the second country they'd visited and the second big city they had visited if you count Dublin, and I don't.
Zack and Daisy were overwhelmed. Dr Becky talks about the "most generous interpretations" of behaviour, and, in this case, it was likely that they were so overwhelmed with the crowds and overstimulation of the city that this got in the way of them being able to relax, connect, be present, be playful and enjoy some of the busier excursions. It didn't help that Borough Market was like visiting downtown Tokyo in cherry blossom season, or what I imagine downtown Tokyo in cherry blossom season feels like. If you have ever had a panic attack from crowd-induced claustrophobia, Borough Market last Saturday was the last place on Earth you wanted to be.
But you don't need to believe the most generous interpretation over the knee-jerk interpretation. It's not an interpretation competition. You need only hold an open mind and make yourself available to multiple interpretations for a softening to occur.
"It might be this, or it might be that".
(5) Play the Long Game.
The final step is playing the long game. On the last day, I gave Zack and Daisy the option of what to do. Instead of imposing my idea of a Perfect London Weekend, I listened. Quelle Surprise, they chose to hang out in their comfies in my house, have a fry up and watch the Ryder Cup. After a lie-in and some decompression time, Zack and Daisy's sweet, grateful and connected parts were able to emerge, and I remembered how mature beyond their years they really are.
"Thanks so much for cooking all this food, Hannah," said Daisy, "I bet this is better than going for brunch in the Breakfast Club" (Ha! Little does she know).
"Are you looking forward to starting your training course?" asked Zack “What are they going to teach you?”
My knee-jerk interpretation was wrong. They are not ungrateful, they are the best. But what would have happened if I had snapped at them on that first day? If I had not bitten my tongue, I would not have given myself, or them, the space to be their anxious, irritable, disappointed, sweet, grateful, joyful, thoughtful, multifaceted, human selves. The honest truth? I, too, was a bit shocked that Planet Earth didn't have more rooms and that Borough Market's crowds have quadrupled since I last visited. And when I think back to our weekend, I will think about the playfulness and laughter and moments of connection that were made possible by that pause between the trigger and the reaction.
Of course, it's a zillion times easier when they're not your own. And if this feels smug and perfect, I confess I did have one moment of snapping at Zack, which I thankfully managed to repair. We can only ever be good enough, and that's good enough for me…
If you find yourself saying things to your kids when triggered that you later regret and want some support with reparenting yourself whilst parenting your kids, feel free to check out my therapeutic options page. I also recommend Philippa Perry’s The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. And remember, be kind to yourself. Because parenting teenagers is hard, but it’s even harder when you’re parenting inner teenagers too.
Sources and References
The key ideas in this article come from the following:
The idea of curiosity and multiple interpretations come from Mentalization Based Parenting / Reflective Parenting - Professor Peter Fonagy and Dr Sheila Redfern. Here’s a book on Reflective Parenting by Sheila Redfern.
The idea of biting your tongue and zipping it regarding minor triggers comes from Non-Violent Resistance - Haim Omer. Here’s a book on parenting children with violence and aggression called Courageous Parents by Haim Omer.
The concept of different parts of the self comes from Internal Family Systems - Dr Richard Schwartz. Here’s a book called No Bad Parts by Dick Schwartz.
The idea of unconscious parenting triggers has been elaborated most clearly by Philippa Perry.
The term “most generous interpretation” to my knowledge comes from Dr Becky Kennedy’s parenting book Good Inside.
