Why Your Kid Needs to Feel Liked as Well as Loved, and What You Can Do About It
Dr Hannah Ryan
Clinical Psychologist
Director of Two Leaves Therapy
This article is focused more on parents of teenagers, but the ideas should equally apply to parents of older children and tweens.
As a psychologist who has worked with teens, young people, and adults of all ages, I started to notice a recurring theme in my work with both adolescents and grown-ups. While many clients felt sure that their parents loved them, sadly, they often doubted whether their parents liked them. But what even is the difference? The complex and elusive concept of parental love is often experienced as a steadfast commitment to them, their welfare and their future, and through unconditional attachment and other intangible meanings that transcend words.
You might think liking is not particularly relevant to child outcomes, and who could blame you? Our culture reinforces over and over again that 'love conquers all,' 'love makes a family,' 'all you need is love' and 'as long as they feel loved', etcetera. Don't get me wrong, few things are more harmful to a child than feeling unsure that their caregivers love them. Love definitely matters.
However, I feel this needs to be thought about differently. While it is totally unrealistic to 'like' your child all the time—in fact, at times, you may feel utterly disgusted with them, ashamed of them, disappointed in them, and other strong emotions that will come and go, because this is human—I suspect it is more important than we may realise that children feel liked, and likeable, at least enough of the time. Otherwise, in my experience, they can develop a core belief that "I am not a likeable person". Not to get too catastrophic about it, or to "deep it", as the kids say, but this can harm their self-worth, sense of belonging, and capacity to sustain meaningful friendships and partnerships with confidence, leading to insecurity and paranoia that, "All my friends secretly hate me". Okay, so I did sort of deep it. Sorry.
Here are seven ideas for building your bond with your child and leaving them with the sense that you actually like them, and not just because they are your kid.
Have Them Overhear You Talking About Them in a Positive Way
If you ever grew up with a parent who compared you critically to friends, saying something like, "James is doing the Duke of Edinburgh Award? God, I wish I could get Tom to do that; he sits around on his arse bloody video gaming all day, I swear he must be about to go square-eyed!" you will still remember how much this can sting. Conversely, the opposite is also true. There is a time and a place to let off steam over a glass of wine and vent about the relentless frustration of parenting, but that time is not when your kid could conceivably be within earshot.
Instead, if your friend is over and says, "How's Phoebe doing at school? Does she know what she wants to do at A Level?" you do not have to lie or be disingenuous. For example, you don't have to say that Phoebe is getting straight As if this is not strictly true. But you can find something, or several things, to praise with warmth, affection and genuine admiration. Something like, "You know, what I really admire about Phoebs is she puts her head down and works so hard, in fairness to her. She just comes home, squirrels away in her room and gets on with it. She thinks she wants to do something in childcare or with animals. She does cat sitting for pocket money, you know, and you should see what she's like with cats; she's like Dr Doolittle; it's unbelievable! If Dave wasn't so allergic, we'd probably be overrun with animals! Seriously, though, she'd make an amazing vet one day; she can do anything she puts her mind to, really."
Caveat: please be mindful to avoid 'backhanded compliments,' where an implied insult is wrapped up within something that sounds superficially positive. For example, "Phoebe is not very bright or academic, but she's brilliant with animals." I'm sure I don't have to tell you that this can be deeply wounding and is not likely to be forgotten quickly, so if you think you may be at risk of this slipping out, take an extra moment to think before you speak.
2. Praise Character Over Achievements
You may wish your parents praised you more for being clever, handsome, beautiful, athletic, or achieving good grades. However, these can be considered 'external' facets of identity. In contrast, character traits such as kindness, patience, work ethic, sense of humour and being a good friend can be regarded as 'internal' ones. That is, they are more about who we are and our core values rather than achievements, which, while important and a part of our identity for many, may be fleeting or hard to sustain.
In a culture in which kids are under pressure from school, family, society, and TikTok to be the GOAT (Greatest of All Time) at absolutely everything, achievement-oriented compliments can inadvertently reinforce pressure and create a sense of conditional approval. Some teens have told me things like, "The higher my grades, the more pressure I feel to maintain them because I can tell my parents like me more when I get A stars." Or, "Being athletic is all I have, so I only ever feel as good as my last performance, and if I had a permanent injury, I don't know if I could go on." This mentality can be motivating in small doses. However, it easily can tip into anxiety, pressure, perfectionism, and mental health challenges linked with volatile self-worth that is dependent on external validation rather than an internal sense of being 'good enough', come what may. This robust sense of worth comes from liking oneself, which comes from feeling liked by those who know us best, including family and friends.
You don't have to stop celebrating your teen's impressive achievements, but balancing this with complimenting their character can be powerful. For example, "It was lovely seeing you with your little cousins; you are really patient and playful with children, you know", "You always bring a calming energy into the room", "You really make me laugh; you have such a great sense of humour," or "I still remember you looking after me when I was sick last year; you were so kind and thoughtful when you brought me that dinner in bed, I'll never forget that."
3. After Hanging Out, Tell Them If You Enjoyed Their Company
This can feel cringey, but it will be worth it, I promise.
If you managed to persuade your kid to hang out with you, first of all, well done. Not an easy feat in itself. You can reinforce this by letting some time pass and follow up by sharing your appreciation of their company, including a specific comment about how their presence impacted how you felt.
For example, after going on a walk with them, you could knock on their bedroom door and say something like, "Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for coming on that walk with the dog and me earlier. I know you had plenty of more fun things to do than come on a boring walk with your Dear Old Dad, but I had so much fun with you throwing the ball for Charlie, and it was great to have a chance to catch up and hear about your friends. Much more interesting than when I go by myself." Or, "Thank you for joining us last night with the board games; you are a champion charades player and that hat game you introduced us to went down a treat. I know you probably had plenty of more exciting things to do than to play with me and my friends, so I just wanted to say thank you and that we all really enjoyed your company. Margaret texted me to say how mature you were and how much she enjoyed chatting with you." If this is not your usual style, this may take a bit of courage and resilience in the face of a blank, self-deprecating, vaguely mortified or perplexed reaction. Nonetheless, it is usually worth trying as this can leave your teen feeling seen, valued, and appreciated.
4. When You Do Want to Celebrate Their Achievements, Write It Down
When your teen does achieve something big or comes through a challenging period, consider writing this down in a note or, better yet, a card. For example, if your child has been out of school with school anxiety and has just had a period of attending almost every day, you could pick out a cute card and write a message such as, "I just wanted to say I am so proud of you for pushing through the anxiety and finding the courage to go in every day, despite how hard this has been for you. I can't imagine how overwhelming this must have been, and you have had to be so resilient, brave and persistent. In the words of Winnie the Pooh, you are 'smarter than you think, braver than you seem and stronger than you feel'. Love you." To add to it, you could even pair it with a small, inexpensive gift, such as a book by an author they like, a facemask, a candle, or their favourite snack. Words can feel complicated to children and young people, and sometimes actions, in the form of tangible gestures, speak louder and last longer.
5. Watch Your Ratio of Connective to Directive Comments
Life is busy, hard, and complicated. We can easily get pulled into a transactional mode of issuing orders, advice, and corrections. Comments such as, "Don't forget to hand that note to your teacher", "Have you got your uniform ready?", "Make sure you hand in your phone by 10 pm," and "Can you put your phone away at the table, please?" Most of these are simply unavoidable: teenagers' executive function and organisational skills are under construction, and usually, they rely on you to be the director-general of their lives. Notice how often you issue directives, commands, or organisational questions and how frequently you make connective or positive comments by comparison. This could be something as simple as, "Ooh, I like how you've put that outfit together today; you've got a great sense of style," or "I'm looking forward to our game of table tennis at the weekend; I know you are a formidable opponent so I am getting my practice in!"
6. Greet Them With a Smile When Possible
It is incredible how often we can get distracted by life. Your child comes home from school, and you call distractedly, "Hey, hope you had a good day; snack is in the fridge. Can you feed the dog? Make sure you put your shoes away; I don’t want to trip over them again" Nothing wrong with this at all. This is everyday life. But, when possible, if you can stop what you are doing, turn towards them and greet them with a brief smile, saying something like, "Hey, great to see you; I hope school was okay. I look forward to hearing about it later," this is a subtle but powerful difference. Think about how you greet a colleague at work who you barely tolerate versus how you greet a colleague you really like and are delighted to bump into. It is obviously wholly unrealistic to welcome your child with the same energy and delight (and might even come off as bizarre, given the disparity in familiarity!), but you get the general idea.
7. Ask Them About Their Opinions and Treat Their Views With Respect
Few things prickle teens as much as feeling like their opinions are overlooked or disregarded because of their age. Remember that teens are some of our most informed citizens because of the amount of education they are saturated in, from history to literature. What's more, young people are often more idealistic and justice-oriented than us oldies, who have been around the block and have cynical, pragmatic scars to show for it. It is easy to get into mentor mode and 'tell them' how they should think and feel. Instead, try asking them some open questions and show them you respect their opinions. E.g. "Noah, you're way more informed on this than we are: do you think TikTok is really frying kids' brains, or is it all overblown hype?" "Ah, that's interesting; who do you think should be responsible: the tech companies, parents, the government, kids, or who else?" "If you were king of the world, what would you do about it?" "That's a great idea; I'd vote you for PM over Rishi Sunak!"
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How do you already make your kid feel liked, valued and respected? Do any of these resonate with you and feel intriguing, or do some of these ideas cause you to recoil in cringeworthy horror?
It may be worth reflecting too on any blocks to praising, complimenting and connecting with your child in this sort of way. For example, they might be getting on your nerves because of gaming round the clock; you might feel that you can't praise them for the bare minimum because you resent that they rarely help you proactively, or you may feel rejected or criticised by them, causing you to withdraw to protect yourself from hurt. You may not have received warmth like this as a child yourself, and it can feel highly unnatural and even awkward if this was not the model you grew up with. If any of this rings true, it might be time to consider a therapist to work through some of these very common feelings that can nonetheless keep your relationship stuck, so that you can both move towards the connection you deserve.
Ultimately, though, you can leave your kid feeling liked without taking on any or all of these ideas. You might already connect with them in other ways, for example, through playful banter, inviting them to spend quality time with you (despite their frequent declined invitations), watching TikTok videos and laughing together, showing them you care through acts of service, such as fixing their phone, or through affectionate touch. Whatever feels like a good fit for you, I hope this post has left you feeling motivated to reflect on how you can strengthen your bond with your teen and set them up with solid self-esteem. This is all about helping them develop the kind of security that will help them approach the world expecting, more often than not, to be liked, included, appreciated and accepted by the humans they encounter out in the big, bad world.
