Parenting teens in the age of social media: should I invade my kid’s privacy?
Dr Hannah Ryan, Clinical Psychologist. Two Leaves Therapy
After the Halloween half-term, Ali and Fatima started noticing subtle changes in their 14-year-old daughter, Laila. Although she had always been introverted, she became noticeably withdrawn, often staying up late on her phone, becoming irritable and guarded whenever they approached and flinching when anyone glanced at her screen.
One afternoon, while Laila was at school and had left her gym bag with her phone at home, Ali and Fatima decided they could not take it anymore and had to investigate. Breaking Laila's cardinal rule of privacy, they punched in her pin. To their horror, they discovered screenshots of conversations with a 16-year-old boy on Snapchat. Some of these screenshots contained nudity. They were horrified but also vindicated.
Confronting Laila that night, Ali and Fatima's concern bloomed into anger. They demanded an explanation, but Laila was tearful and indignant. She was mortified, distraught and outraged in equal measure. In between gasping sobs, she vehemently defended her right to privacy with the rhetorical skill of a qualified barrister.
In response, Ali and Fatima told her that if she couldn't be trusted to use her phone responsibly, she would lose her privacy and phone privileges. She refused to open up, telling them she hated them, so they confiscated her device, citing disrespect. The conversation blew up and broke down, and more than one of them went to bed on a wet pillow.
Do you relate to this fictional but familiar story of a family grappling with modern adolescent risks? It begs the question: are there times when it is appropriate to violate your teen's privacy, even if it will upset them? This leads to an even bigger question: how on Earth should parents approach conversations about digital harm with risk-prone adolescents without taking an explosive device to their relationship in the process?
These are not questions that can be neatly answered. However, I've grappled extensively with these dilemmas as a clinical psychologist working with teenagers and their parents, and I have some thoughts to share. Helpfully, my doctoral research provided me with a foundational understanding of the research into social media and mental health, as it explored the impact of Instagram and Facebook on perinatal well-being. However, the world is constantly changing, and there is no "one right way" for every teen and every family. The right approach for a low-risk adolescent will be different for a family parenting a child seduced by the dark web. The right path for a twelve-year-old will be different from that of a sixteen-year-old. While I continue to learn and adapt to the ever-evolving online landscape, I hope this article can offer some ideas grounded in research and clinical experience to help parents reflect on their current approach and whether they would like to tweak it.
Sometimes, we can become so snowblind from the minutiae of parenting that it can be hard to see the bigger picture. However, it is worth thinking about the long-term goal. What relationship do you want with your child when they are 25? What relationship would you hope they will have with social media? How would you hope they could lean on you as a young adult when they feel frightened, overwhelmed, or seduced by the online world? And how can you work backwards: if you want to reach that destination, what is your starting point now?
For me, a fundamental goal lies at the heart of this dilemma: becoming your child's social media ally rather than their adversary. When inundated with the fears and complexities of parenting, it's easy to lose sight of the importance of your relationship with your child. You can become so focused on fighting demons with dragon fire: graphic images, pornography, predators, attention vampires, body image destroyers, bullies and the dark web that you forget, in the process, that you might accidentally burn your relationship if you fight too hard. Whilst the research on the harms of gaming, screens, and social media is still equivocal, the research on the importance of the attachment relationship between parents and children is not. Ideally, therefore, you want to cultivate a relationship in which your teen sees you as a trusted confidant in their digital endeavours rather than an enemy.
To explore this further, I have identified three common parenting styles when navigating the online world and given them metaphorical nicknames: the policer, the ostrich, and the ally. Let's have a look at them more closely.
The policer operates from a place of suspicion, constantly monitoring their child's online activities and meeting out punishments for rule violations. If their teen has been watching porn, scrolling after curfew or otherwise breaking the rules, their go-to teaching method is to ground the child, confiscate their phone and administer a lecture. The challenge is that the child often believes that the policer's views are antiquated, that they don't understand and that their rules are arbitrary and unfair. This approach can, therefore, lead to a withdrawal of openness and trust, with teens feeling misunderstood and compelled to conceal their online behaviour for fear of getting in deep trouble for experimenting or finding themselves on the wrong path.
On the other end of the spectrum, the ostrich adopts a hands-off approach, not so much out of choice but out of a lack of perceived alternatives. The ostrich often lacks the proper support and perhaps has a fiery adolescent. They have, therefore, lost authority and have had little option but to resign themselves to a state of powerlessness as they fear confrontation with their tech-savvy offspring. While the Gen-Z phone holder will often rejoice in their unbridled freedom, this disengagement may exacerbate the disconnect between parent and teen, leaving the latter to navigate the digital realm without guidance or support.
The ally, on the other hand, takes a more nuanced, balanced and pragmatic approach. Recognising the inevitability of screens and social media in their teen's life, at least after a certain age, they seek to understand the complexities of this digital landscape without compromising their child's autonomy. They are curious; they want to learn about the good, the bad and the ugly, and they are interested in their child's perspective. However, they respect their child's privacy. They would only overstep their boundaries or become intrusive in rare safety situations. The ally is just as concerned about the dangers of screens as the next parent. However, they recognise that a secure attachment relationship is the best resilience buffer and thus prioritise connection over control. They are not their child's 'best friend' and will collaboratively negotiate specific rules, some of which their child will push against. However, rather than shouting or punishing, their go-to response to online rebellion or problems is to aim for a calm, respectful and open conversation- and repair if this goes wrong. Rather than policing or burying their heads in the sand, they seek to foster open dialogue and mutual respect.
Which parenting style are you closest to right now? If you are thinking, "Oh dear, I'm definitely a policer!" or "Oh God, I'm 100% an ostrich", or even "I'm oscillating between the two bad ones!", don't panic. Parenting teens in the age of social media is unprecedented and has not come with a manual. Policers and ostriches are deeply concerned about their children; they are just at a loss as to what to do. We can never be a 100% perfect ally either; we can never be 100% perfect parents full stop. Sometimes, it will be appropriate to briefly become more of a policer when risk is high; other times, when your child has earned free reign, being a bit of an ostrich is okay.
But what does it take to earn your teen's trust in this realm? First, it's about granting them a certain degree of autonomy and respect, recognising that some risks are developmentally appropriate and acknowledging their burgeoning independence while remaining a steady source of guidance. This involves striking a delicate and difficult balance between setting boundaries and allowing room for exploration.
Maintaining a relatively "chill" demeanour is equally crucial when addressing online issues. Yes, I have used a Gen-Z term. Rather than reacting with anger or punishment, the ally approaches these conversations with empathy, warmth, goodwill and a genuine desire to understand, assuring their teen they can turn to them for support without fear of judgement.
Moreover, being an ally means embracing the positives of social media and gaming. It requires acknowledging the potential for connection, creativity, education, fun and skill development while remaining appropriately vigilant to the undeniable risks. By demonstrating a genuine appreciation for their digital world, you convey to your teen that you're invested in understanding their experiences rather than simply policing their behaviour.
So, what does this look like in practice? Ali and Fatima had reason to become "policers" in this moment. Still, if they had had the right guidance and support to become an "ally" before this crisis, they might not have had to. Additionally, they might have had more success if they had reflected on what this was triggering for them, regulated their emotions first, and approached from a place of calm apology for violating her privacy.
For example, how might Laila have responded if they had said something like, "Have a cup of tea; we know you will be angry, and that's understandable - we are not angry at you; we are just concerned and want to understand. Take your time. We are here to listen when you are ready. We understand this must feel very difficult". However, Ali and Fatima are (fictional) humans, not Dr Becky's disciples, with perfect parenting practices and ready-made scripts up their sleeves. Like all parents, they regularly mess up in minor, forgivable ways out of love and fear, and that's okay. They can repair with Laila, apologising for intruding and escalating things (even if the intrusion was justified), and invite a different kind of conversation.
What can you start doing right now to get closer to an ally? Here are some ideas to get started.
Announce to your child that you want to take a different approach. Repair for any past behaviour you would do differently, and let them know you want to get alongside them and understand. Speaking of Dr Becky, here is her TED talk on repair if you need a hand.
Balance your research on the risks of social media with research on the benefits. Your child will not feel understood if you see social media as "all bad". Look at Google Scholar and read about some of the positive sides of the online world.
Try out their apps for yourself with an open mind. Is your teenager on Snapchat, BeReal, or TikTok? Do you have no idea what these are, except for what you have heard- that they are dark places full of predators and that they fry your child's brain? If so, download these apps right now. Set up a playful experiment with your friends to do BeReal for a week. Make your child the expert, and ask them to set up your algorithm so that you can find cute dogs, fun dancing routines and funny comedy sketches- or whatever floats your algorithmic boat. Report back to your teenager about what surprised you, both positively and negatively.
Open abstract conversations. When you have built more trust, open abstract discussions with your teenager about their views on social media. What do they wish was different about it? What frustrates them? What do they enjoy about it? What do they think harms young people, and who do they think is responsible?
Increase your presence non-obtrusively. Ask your teen if you could look at their Instagram and TikTok algorithms together on their terms and if you could help them decide if it would be a good idea to unfollow some celebrities or influencers who induce comparison and who may not be good for their mental health.
If you feel you need to check your child's phone, give them an advance warning. That way, they are in control. Do this at a specified time, for example, once a month. Validate that this is hard for them, and try to be clear about what you won't look at and what you are looking for. For example, you can say something like, "I won't read all of your conversations; I will just be having an overall look for signs that you are safe, that's all". If you ever think you might do an "unannounced" discovery of their phone, be clear about which conditions would justify this. For example, if you had your suspicions and asked them to open up to you twice and suspected that they were being guarded or not entirely honest. Avoid this if possible. Teens have told me this would feel like their parents were reading their diaries, putting a camera in their bedrooms while they had a sleepover, or hiding in the trees while they hung out with their mates in the park during the eighties. All very creepy behaviour- and I have on several occasions supported an adult through the trauma of having a parent read their diary and shame them for the contents, even decades later. So, proceed with caution. Remember that while the risks are very real, the relational risks that come with privacy violations are real, too, and are often less obvious.
Collaborate on rules. Name your concern and invite their collaboration on rules: for example, what is a fair curfew? You have the last word, but they will appreciate having their say. Playfully invite their collaboration on rules for your phone use - maybe you have to pay money into a jar whenever you end up scrolling on your phone during a family dinner or when you said you wouldn't? Young people will not trust you if they think you are a 'hypocrite', so if you are on your phone as much as they are, believe me, they will notice.
Pick your battles. Teenagers being on their devices all the time is really irritating, and can bring up feelings of loss as you miss how close you were with them when they were younger. This is all completely understandable. However, if you pull them up every time you feel annoyed, you will have constant friction. Save your battles for the bigger stuff, if you can.
Bring up the scary risks and assure them of how you will respond. Bring up the scary risks in child-appropriate language. You can say something like, "If you ever come across something online that overwhelms you, such as violence or nudity, or if anyone sends you a picture or asks you for something that makes you uncomfortable in any way, even if you had been having a conversation with them to that point, I want you to know you won't be in trouble. I will be concerned, but I will not be angry and will try my best not to make you feel ashamed. If that were to happen, what could I do to make you feel safe to come to me with that?"
In essence, cultivating an allyship with your teen while they navigate the rapids of social media involves getting in the waters beside them in your own boat and becoming their confidante and guide, rather than shouting rules from the sidelines or drowning underwater. This will be harder with contextual challenges, such as neurodivergence, mental health issues, or parenting with a co-parent who is not on the same page as you. It will involve reflecting on your own stuff, playing the long game, putting respect and the relationship first and taking the risk of embracing a balanced perspective. In order to do this, you will need to regulate your own fears so that they do not end up steering the boat. It will be a long and winding journey requiring patience, faith, empathy, adaptability, and a willingness to learn alongside your teen, and you will never get it perfectly right. However, a good enough allyship is possible. By prioritising connection over control, and collaboration over punishment, you can be confident that you are taking your safeguarding responsibilities seriously whilst doing everything you can to protect your precious relationship with your teen. Good luck: it's not easy, but you’ve hashtag got this.
