Rise and Battle: Tips for Exhausted Parents of School Reluctant Teens

24 May

Dr Hannah Ryan

Two Leaves Therapy

Since the pandemic, parents across the country have been facing morning battles trying to get their anxious, neurodivergent or overwhelmed teens into school. It is a struggle that can feel relentless and induce feelings of complete helplessness ("What am I supposed to do?"), inadequacy ("What kind of parent has this little control over their kid?"), and terror for the future ("Will they end up surrounded by takeaway boxes playing video games in my basement?"). It can also feel like an impossible Sophie’s Choice between your relationship and their mental health on the one hand, their education, future and social connections on the other.

Since 2020, I have worked with countless parents who describe the same battles every morning with teens who can sometimes manage school and who sometimes hide under their duvet shouting, "Just ten more minutes" over and over until they burst into tears, lash out, or announce that they absolutely "cannot," leaving you, their parent, telling the school that they have 'period cramps,' implausibly, for the third time in a single month. It can feel like an exhausting and relentless struggle which involves taking two steps forwards and five steps back- except, when you try to predict which week will be a good week and which will be a write off, you are left spinning. You might oscillate between feeling sympathetic and sorry for your kid, who is clearly struggling, and feeling compassion fatigued, frustrated and fed up. Perhaps on some days you can sound like the most validating parent psychologist on Instagram, saying all the ‘right’ things, and letting go of the outcome. On other days, you might catapult into the worst version of yourself, blaring music, pulling the duvet off the bed and hearing your own parents’ words come out of your mouth like, ‘Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you’re not helping yourself, it’s not that hard!’ before your desperation turns to shame and despair.

If any of this sounds like you, I am sorry you are going through it. It is a battle that can be incredibly exhausting, overwhelming, and isolating, and the stakes (your child's future, well-being, relationship with you, and social success) are indisputably high. There is no rule book or guide, either. As the mothers in the musical Dear Evan Hansen sing, "Does anybody have a map? Anybody maybe happen to know how the hell to do this?"

The bad news is that, no, there is no map you can download online, no magic fairy dust you can order off the black market that will restore your child to a confident, motivated, energetic teen with a pep in their step, a smile on their face and an eye towards a glittering future. However, hope is realistic. In this article, I am not going to focus on why kids may not be attending school; however, if you are interested, I explored this in a previous article, which you can find here. Instead, I am going to help you think about how to handle those morning tug-of-war battlegrounds. Some of these ideas might feel like a good fit, others might feel impossible right now. And that’s okay: take what feels right for you and leave the rest.

1. Start with Validation

Roll your eyes if you must. Yes, it’s boringly predictable and, yes, you've heard it all before, but it really is worth repeating: validation is powerful. Validation means conveying that your child’s emotions are valid, understandable and normal: that anyone in their brain and body with their life experiences and their wiring and their social context would feel similarly. It means accepting the emotions underneath their behaviour, not necessarily the behaviour itself. And it is powerfully connecting, healing and therapeutic. However, many of us grew up in a generation when validation was something that happened to parking tickets. What the hell even is it? Even if you do learn the scripts, it can feel unnatural because we did not experience it routinely ourselves. And when stressed, we often skip this step. However, I am here to remind you that acknowledging and understanding your teen's feelings is not just something you do to be nice: it can be a gamechanger because difficult emotions need to be heard, understood, and cared for before they can shift. This can feel counterproductive, but it is something about which I am absolutely certain.

Your teen may seem powerful, they may seem like they are making choices and they may look 23 years old at times, but the behaviour iceberg can help us remember that underneath your teen’s behaviour is an ocean of feelings that they are still far too young to sort out alone:

Okay so maybe you’re willing to give it a go. How would you even do it?

Using "the three becauses" technique can help you become a master of validation. This is Dr Adele La France's tool, which involves guessing the feeling and then stating three reasons why their feeling might be valid and understandable.

Let’s first imagine this with an adult thought experiment.

Imagine you are out for coffee with your friend and they ask you how’s work. You sigh and tell them: “I have been getting so anxious about presentations lately, and before we could do them online whereas now my boss is making us do them in person. Not only that but he is forcing us to do them in front of the whole company, even though I am sure they are not really interested. Every time I go to do it my palms start sweating, my heart rate increases and I just feel like I might go blank or pass out. And being menopausal doesn’t help: I get this brain fog, my mind goes blank and I really do forget words sometimes. Just the other day I forgot the bloody word for lamp! I like my job but I hate these presentations, yet I would feel guilty asking my boss if I could do fewer of them because I know they are helping get me in front of senior people who can advance my career”.

Now imagine your friend could take two approaches:

Approach A. “Gosh, I don’t really get that, to be honest. I actually love public speaking, I find it thrilling. Why don’t you just picture them all naked? I feel like you should just keep going with them, they would probably see you as a bit crazy if you were honest about why you don’t like doing them and honestly you should be pretty grateful that your boss cares about your career. My boss would never give me those opportunities. I feel like the best thing to do is just push through these things, it sound like maybe you are just overthinking it? Just think positive and don’t let the anxiety affect you, you’ll regret it if it affects your future. Your thoughts cause your reality after all, and we can choose our thoughts. I’ve been reading this great book on manifesting…”

Approach B. “Gosh that sounds really overwhelming, especially since you had to come back from the pandemic to do them in person after doing them online and because your boss is making you do this in front of so many people, which really sounds so unnecessary. And they are so frequent, wow. I mean once in a while would be one thing, but I think anyone in your shoes would feel similarly with having to give such big presentations so regularly- and it sounds like this was never originally a part of your job spec? I am really sorry you’re dealing with that, that really sucks. It’s so horrible when you have that Sunday night dread feeling. We spend so much of our lives at work, too, it really affects our well-being, doesn’t it? And I totally get what you mean with menopausal brain fog, my god sometimes I wonder if I have dementia I feel so forgetful, it’s a horrible feeling and so embarrassing and not enough people understand. Please know you can always pick up the phone if you ever need to chat before one of those presentations. Have you got any supportive people at work you can talk to about this?”

The first one may feel so familiar that it does not leave you feeling prickly, but which approach would you prefer? And which would help you arrive at a more empowered, optimistic mindset where you could find your own solutions?

Now let’s try the three becauses with a teenager who is paralysed with anxiety about going to school. Remember: guess the feeling and add at least three reasons why this feeling is valid.

"Gosh, can imagine today might feel particularly stressful for you because you had so many exams last week, which must have been absolutely exhausting, and because you just got your period, which is so draining, and because you were babysitting on Sunday too, so you really haven't had any downtime to recharge your batteries. That is really hard. How are you feeling about going in today?"

Okay so you probably know on some level that this might help. What gets in the way?

Firstly, you might think, "Oh, for God's sake, I don't have time to give her a therapy session each morning; that's ridiculous!" Protest away, but if you rush them with lecturing, threatening, and negative labelling, you will prolong the time you spend in the morning, not shorten it! You are not only helping them, but you are helping yourself feel more connected to your child, feel proud of your parenting approach and feel like you have the tools to feel less helpless in such a challenging situation.

Okay, you might say, "But I am just not good at validating feelings: I can never think what to say!" Fair enough, but practice makes perfect. You have a choice: keep doing what you have been doing in the mornings now, or try something different. If you give it a go, you might surprise yourself.

“But I don’t really feel empathic, I am so frustrated with her!” Empathy fatigue is real, and completely understandable - especially in the circumstances. This is a sign to reach out for professional therapeutic support to help work through these feelings.

"But she will just shoot me down! I can't take that kind of rejection!" If you validate well and get better at it, you are unlikely to get a "Gee, mum, thanks so much, I'd better get up and go to school!" Instead, you will more likely see the absence of an adverse reaction, the avoidance of an escalation that would have happened usually, and a delayed effect. We call this planting a seed. You don't plant a seed in winter expecting it to grow that afternoon; it takes some time to incubate and shoot through the soil. The same is true with influencing teens. It takes a little patience and belief that those green shoots will poke through in the end.

Ultimately, it is your choice. You can keep doing whatever you’re doing now, or you can try becoming a master validator and see what impact that has over a couple of months.

2. Name the Anxiety

Another approach is to try mentally and verbally externalising your teen's anxiety by giving it a name, like "Betty" or simply "The Anxiety." This sounds subtle, but it allows you and your teen to tackle the problem together, transforming it from a personal struggle to a shared challenge. It takes it from Parent Versus Teen to Parent and Teen on the same team Versus The Anxiety. For example, you might ask, "How much of a hold does Betty have on you today?" This works in several ways. First, it removes blame by acknowledging that while your teen can influence The Anxiety, they cannot control it like a switch, helping them to feel understood and reducing the friction between you. Second, it helps reduce escalation, protecting your bond and fostering collaboration. Finally, it can bring a touch of playfulness to an otherwise heavy moment. All of these subtle dynamic shifts can help you do what Dan Hughes calls, “Connect before you Redirect”.

3. Discuss Ambivalence

Believe it or not, teens often feel conflicted about avoiding school. It is not just you who worries about their future, feels stressed about them falling behind or is worried about what the teachers think: they hold the same worries, which are perhaps even more intense for them. This becomes clearer when you externalise The Anxiety first.

Try acknowledging the mixed feelings your teen might have and see what this opens up. For example, they may have one part that wants the relief of staying home because school feels overwhelming, but another part that feels guilty about missing classes, worried about falling behind, frustrated with themselves for not being able to 'just get over it,' and anxious about getting in trouble with parents and teachers. When you speak to your teens as if their anxiety about school and motivation to stay home is the only part they have, the whole of them, you miss this nuance and opportunity to explore the push and pull factors. Moreover, if they hold the pull factors (pulling away from school) and you are lecturing them about the push factors (the reasons to go in), you miss the opportunity to help them connect out loud with their own reasons for going to school.

Try saying something like, "I imagine one part of you wants to stay home because school feels like way too much right now and walking in when you are not sure where you stand with new groups of friends is so daunting. But maybe another part of you feels really bad about missing out and worried about falling behind with your GCSEs around the corner. Do you want to tell me about how both parts are feeling?" This can help them feel understood, untangle their complex feelings aloud and help increase their motivation.

4. Express Calm and Confident Belief in Their Abilities

Instead of pushing or persuading, which are highly ineffective motivational techniques, try very calmly expressing your belief in their ability to overcome their anxiety. You can use affirming statements like, "I know it's really hard, and you have had to overcome so much already, but I believe you can do this. Even if it takes a bit longer today, I trust you'll find the strength to make it through." This balance of empathy and confidence can plant a seed that you believe in them while simultaneously relieving the stress inducing pressure to hurry the hell up. The trick is to deliver this without a frustrated, anxious, heightened tone or a stressed facial expression—practice letting go of the outcome, try delivering this message with calm faith that they will make it in their own time and see what happens.

5. Use Paradoxical Communication

Teens have a gigantic need for autonomy and choice. When you push them, they will often feel trapped, and this can be counterproductive—even if it comes from the best of intentions of not wanting them to miss out on that incredibly important English Lit class they have today.

Instead of persuading, lecturing, or explaining why they should go in, try offering your teen some permission to take their time for now, reducing the pressure associated with rushing and showing respect for their pace. Slow everything right down. Notice what pressures are rushing you—the anticipation that school or your partner will judge you if you don't "get them in" sooner, that they will be marked absent if they are late again, that you have a friend to meet at lunchtime, for example—and practice slowing your breath, slowing your walk, and letting go of the rush. Slowly gets there quickly. Rushing will spin you around in circles back to the duvet.

For example, you could say, "It's okay if you need some extra time to feel ready; you didn't sleep well, and I get that you must be exhausted. Why don't you rest an extra 45 minutes? I'll check in then. I'll have some breakfast ready if you want it. Let me know when you're good to go, and I'll be here to support you." If they respond with “I can’t go today”, you could say something like, “I hear how hard it is, and it’s okay if you can’t, but I believe that you might feel differently in an hour. Let’s just see. Don’t worry about that for now, have a rest, and I’ll have your uniform ready in case it feels more manageable”. Paradoxically, by relieving the pressure whilst holding your belief in them, you free them up to regulate their nervous systems, reduce their anxiety, and enable them to make their own choice to go in if they can.

6. Offer Support and Choices

Instead of issuing commands to feel more in control, which can lead to a power struggle, try filling their need for autonomy by giving them control over small decisions in the morning. Simple choices like, "Do you want your toast in the kitchen or in your room?", "Would you like me to play you some relaxing music or no music today?" "Do you want to take the bus, or can I give you a lift?" Sometimes, this might elicit irritable snapping if there is a lot of fussing. But surprisingly, a few small choices instead of commands and lectures can make a big difference to how they start their day. These small acts of autonomy can help them feel more in control, more supported and less overwhelmed.

7. Validate with One Hand and Hold Boundaries with the Other

Parents often say to me: "Okay, I get that I need to be empathetic, but isn't that letting him off the hook? When do I need to push more? What about his future?" We call this balance between compassionate acceptance on the one hand, and movement towards change on the other, the "two hands of parenting." We can do both at the same time, even if this feels like an impossible contradiction. Crucially, we want to avoid doing the latter by pushing, shouting, getting frustrated, or lecturing. These are not effective tools, but they are the most intuitive ones. This is a bit like trying to dig yourself out of quicksand by struggling. It pays to override your instinct and learn to float instead.

Here is how we can validate with one hand and hold a calm, de-escalated expectation on the other. You might say, "I understand how tough mornings can be for you, especially when you're feeling so anxious. It's okay to have a hard time. Let's take it one step at a time."

Then combine this with gentle boundaries: "We do need to get you to school, unfortunately. It’s my job to get that bright brain of yours an education, and it sucks that the school environment is so stressful for you right now. But let's figure out a way that feels manageable for you. Would it feel possible to rest now and go in after the first period? What ideas do you have?"

This approach balances empathy with maintaining expectations while avoiding the pitfall of power struggles that lead you around in circles. If today is just not a day it’s going to happen, come back later on to discuss a plan for getting in for most of the days for the rest of the week. This means you can meet them where they are at, but also do what you can as their parent to help them manage getting to school.

8. Avoid Escalatory Interactions

It's arguably impossible to do consistently; you are human, after all. But a patient, supportive, calm attitude, as opposed to anger or frustration, is not only a more ethical approach but a far more effective one. When a parent becomes angry or critical, this risks dysregulating an already dysregulated teen.

Imagine that they are at a 6/10 on the anxiety scale, and a parent then shouts at them, telling them something like, "This is ridiculous! You have to try harder; you are just being a brat at this point! We have tried and tried to be patient but this is a choice!" This is likely to drive their anxiety up to a 9/10, meaning getting to school will be impossible. This makes sense when you realise that they might need to be at, say, a 2/10 on the anxiety scale to mobilise their nervous system, feel safe, social and connected and manage getting into school. Thus, while your frustration is understandable, it is unhelpful, demotivating and counterproductive.

Viewing the ‘polyvagal ladder’ as a metaphor for the nervous system can help us hold this in mind. The top of the ladder is the ‘safe, social and engaged’ part. This is where your teen needs to be to feel safe enough to go in. You can help them get their through playfulness, validation, connection, support or even a safe chat about their special interests.

In the middle is the heightened anxiety, the fight or flight state. This is likely where they are when they wake up feeling anxious. Anxious hovering, persuading and lecturing is likely to keep them stuck here.

If this anxiety gets too high or goes on too long, they can collapse into the bottom of the ladder, which looks like paralysis or shut down. This is where they can tell you “I can’t” and pull the duvet over their head - at this point, they might even dissociate or fall asleep if they are extremely anxious. At this point, the game is over and they are not going to make it into school. They feel too threatened, their anxiety is too high, and their body is shutting down to protect them from this experienced threat.

Thus, increasing their anxiety through too much pressure, anger or escalation can lead them to collapse into the shut down state. On the other hand, connecting with them and helping them regulate whilst holding expectations calmly can help them move up towards feeling safe enough to find the courage to go to school.

Here are some top tips to try and avoid in the mornings:

Try and avoid anxiously hovering with stressed tone, pace, gait, and body language, and frequently checking every few minutes with repetitive questions about whether they are now ready to go. This can drive the anxiety upwards.
Try not to ask how they are using a frustrated or disappointed tone.
Avoid passive aggression—saying you are fine with them taking more time, but slamming the door, using body language, tone, or the silent treatment to communicate disapproval or disappointment and try to guilt them into going.
Minimise lecturing them, guilting them, or explaining at length why their education matters—they already know, they will switch off and feel condescended to, and this will likely lead them to feel irritable and snap at you, causing you to reprimand them, causing them to feel your reprimand was unjust because you were lecturing them unfairly, and so on until it is a great big screaming match.
It is of course unacceptable to get physical no matter how frustrated you are—wrestling or pulling them out of bed, for example.
Try not to threaten them—e.g. telling them their PlayStation will be confiscated, they will be grounded, or cannot see their friends if they do not go. This is not effective because their behaviour has meaning and is driven by anxiety; it is not a straightforward choice like truancy. This is like telling an adult: “Okay, if you don’t stop being depressed, I’ll cancel your Netflix subscription and you can’t go to yoga anymore”.
Emotionally based school avoidance is not "bad behaviour"; it is rooted in genuine suffering that they are too young to handle without compassionate support. Taking things away will, therefore, feel like a great injustice to them, which will damage your bond and cause your teen to resent you.
The exception to this is setting boundaries if they stay home: it is completely fair that they would have no access to social media, gaming, Netflix, fun things, etc., while home, so that home is not more rewarding than being at school.

9. Self-Work

Having a child who is school avoidant, school reluctant, or school ambivalent can take an enormous toll on parents. You can feel utterly helpless and feel like you are failing your child. You can feel like you are damned if you do or damned if you don't: if you push too hard, they resent you; if you don't push at all, you feel like you are not trying hard enough to get them in. All the while, time is ticking, they are falling behind, and their education is suffering.

Additionally, there can be a lot of loud and judgmental voices in your head: teachers, family friends, and others who you believe may judge you. Remember: no one understands what it is like to try to make a highly anxious, school avoidant teen go to school unless they have dealt with that situation, and no other parent who has lived it would judge you. You cannot, and should not, force, control, or drag your child to school kicking and screaming. You can only follow the best advice you have to influence them, not control them.

It may be helpful to hold in mind the circle of influence and control, and even to write out what is under your control and what is outside of it. Believe it or not, your child getting into school is actually outside of your direct control- even if society or your ex-partner or neighbour or that one judgmental teacher thinks otherwise. Just because someone else believes it does not make it true.

You can influence your child, but you can only do this by focusing on your behaviour, not theirs: you can choose your tone, your body language, your words and how you support them. That’s it. You cannot wave a magic wand. Therefore, the only thing you can control is yourself. Sucks but it’s the truth!

Remember, too, that progress is not linear. Despair is completely normal and you will move in and out of this. Try your best to also notice the hopeful signs: the sleepovers they are going on, the classes they are excited about, the crafting they do when home sometimes, the grades they are doing pretty well in, the articulate way they argue about current affairs, the days they do go in. Ask yourself: are their grades really catastrophic, or are they just not meeting their full academic potential in a competitive environment? Do they really need all A*s, As and Bs to live a thriving, meaningful, connected life? What is the point of education anyway? If it is to help your child build social connections, learn stuff and accumulate grade capital to help them get to a bright future, what is the bare minimum they need from school, where can they find these resources in the community, and what are the ways in which the current contemporary school context may be counterproductive to these goals? Remember that while social and academic achievement correlate with adult success, no research is stronger than the research on child-to-parent attachment. School, society and family members may push you to prioritise school attendance over everything else, but take it from a psychologist: your child’s attachment to you and their wellbeing, which are inextricably linked, are the ultimate priorities. Sometimes, in an effort to get anxious kids into school, we can inadvertently compromise this because everything becomes a battle. You are doing an impossible job, but you and your child can survive this, and they can have a bright future. Make a list of the hopeful signs, the “green shoots”, and read over it when you feel hopeless. Rather than aiming for 100% attendance, hope for something that is more realistic for your teen, given their unique struggles.

Don’t lose hope

Sadly, none of these strategies will magic your child into school overnight. This is an ultra-marathon across a couple of deserts, not a sprint around an athletics hall. And you do not have to adopt all of these ideas. However, I truly believe that these mindset shifts and approaches can help increase the understanding and bond between you, reduce the cortisol-spiking stress in the mornings, increase your zen acceptance levels and help build both your confidence and their confidence that they can do this.

In the words of Winnie the Pooh, they are ‘braver than they believe, stronger than they feel and smarter than they think’ - but they need to figure this out themselves. They may need time, quality pastoral support, and good therapeutic help. You may need some nights out with friends to blow off steam, a robust self-care regime, and good therapeutic help, too. But with patience, acceptance, validation, faith and a little sense of humour, things can get a better and a lot more hopeful, one morning at a time.

Hannah Jean Ryan